Lesson: Don't let
the pressure of things building up be the determining factor of what I do. Okay, rephrase. My guiding force is something other than the
pressure of things building up. And
definitely other than the pressure of others' opinions.
It's like swimming
in the ocean. There is a certain amount
of going with the flow. The ocean is
large and there are surges and waves and undertow. But I have my own way of swimming, my own
way of moving, my own way of navigating the currents. I may dogpaddle or float, but whatever method
I use, it's my own way. If I allow the traffic, the flow of others, the
peer pressure to be the driving force, I lose my way - I lose the way I know
how to do things. I lose me.
And oh, it's so
difficult to keep hold of me, sometimes.
There are schedules and deadlines and basic body needs and a whole world
of ideas just in my own sphere! And
there is only one me, and this time frame I have chosen to adhere to. This body I have chosen to use.
To return to the
ocean analogy, I have been a floater, for a very long time. Just letting the waves bob me along, letting
the current take me wherever, experiencing hot and cold and stormy and calm. Seeing avenues and opportunities. And watching all of these people doing them
with skill and grace and ease. Picking
up bits of knowledge and various skills, here and there, and adding to my
"I wanna do list".
I was content and
happy. The currents always took care of
me. And I was learning so much as I went
hither and yon with various groups. I floated
on the decisions of others and daydreams of the future.
Now I want to be
moving, moving forward. Not to be a
piece of flotsam, but a force equal to the ocean. I want the dreams to be
realities. Skill and will and
confidence and grace and ease and, not a label, but a presence. This is Lila.
To switch analogies
for a moment (which I do love to do), I am through being a student. I have chosen my fields of expertise and I am
aiming for Professor Emeritus. (it's a
huge island that currently looks small because it feels so far away.) Floating won't get me there, so I need to
find a form or forms of forward locomotion.
Whether it's swimming or creating a boat, or hitching a ride on a
seahorse. Or all of them. Some things work best in a certain time or
place or space. There is adjustment
required for weather and people and tools and the mood of the day. But within that framework, or with - out that
framework, there is the goal, the method, the ritual, of daily living. Living as a Professor, as an expert in my way
of life.
And boy, is that a
lot of pressure. Just the few items I
have chosen to master take work. Heck,
just writing this post is taking much more time and thought and sweat than I
expected. And there's so many other
things I want to get accomplished, just today!
And again, it's easy
to lose myself in all the advice and teachers and good wishes and helpers. Because the support of having my pack around
me is so very comforting.
It is also
limiting. We each move as a different
speed from each other. Some may zoom
forward. Some may fall back. Most will bob back and forth, coursing in
different directions, following the flow and pull that is unique to them, to
where they are in the space of the ocean and what tools they have available to
them. And these tools, these skills,
these perceptions are going to be different from mine. So what they do, how they do it, when they do
it, is not your best guide. Is not my
best guide. What works best for me, what
feels right in the moment, what I can handle, what makes me happy. That is my best guide. My practice.
The way I do things.
And anyway, we all
have different places we want to investigate.
We all have different opinions of
the best route and the best weather and the best tools.
And sometimes my
splashing can be really annoying to others, and vice versa.
So I must, for my
happiness, keep my way. Focus on my
goal. Practice different methods of
navigating the waves of to-do lists and outside expectations. Because if I let them guide me, if I continue
to float, I will not get any further than I am right now. And I want to be a lot further. I choose to move forward.
Sometimes I will be
swimming with others. Sometimes I'll
stop at a beach and party, gather my forces while they move on. And sometimes I'll move on while others rest. Because the only way to be that suave,
confident graceful Master of my own skills is to practice my skills, all the
time, every time, my way.
***************************************
Now, the corollary
thought, to take us through the next two days, how do we maintain that
connection with our pack, with our peeps, with our family and clan, while
moving blithely through life in our own "My Way" bubble?
