Sunday, August 24, 2014

Keep on Course

Lesson: Don't let the pressure of things building up be the determining factor of what I do.  Okay, rephrase.  My guiding force is something other than the pressure of things building up.  And definitely other than the pressure of others' opinions.

It's like swimming in the ocean.  There is a certain amount of going with the flow.  The ocean is large and there are surges and waves and undertow.   But I have my own way of swimming, my own way of moving, my own way of navigating the currents.  I may dogpaddle or float, but whatever method I use, it's my own way.  If I  allow the traffic, the flow of others, the peer pressure to be the driving force, I lose my way - I lose the way I know how to do things.  I lose me.

And oh, it's so difficult to keep hold of me, sometimes.  There are schedules and deadlines and basic body needs and a whole world of ideas just in my own sphere!  And there is only one me, and this time frame I have chosen to adhere to.  This body I have chosen to use. 

To return to the ocean analogy, I have been a floater, for a very long time.  Just letting the waves bob me along, letting the current take me wherever, experiencing hot and cold and stormy and calm.  Seeing avenues and opportunities.  And watching all of these people doing them with skill and grace and ease.  Picking up bits of knowledge and various skills, here and there, and adding to my "I wanna do list".

I was content and happy.  The currents always took care of me.  And I was learning so much as I went hither and yon with various groups.  I floated on the decisions of others and daydreams of the future.

Now I want to be moving, moving forward.  Not to be a piece of flotsam, but a force equal to the ocean. I want the dreams to be realities.   Skill and will and confidence and grace and ease and, not a label, but a presence.  This is Lila.

To switch analogies for a moment (which I do love to do), I am through being a student.  I have chosen my fields of expertise and I am aiming for Professor Emeritus.  (it's a huge island that currently looks small because it feels so far away.)  Floating won't get me there, so I need to find a form or forms of forward locomotion.  Whether it's swimming or creating a boat, or hitching a ride on a seahorse.  Or all of them.    Some things work best in a certain time or place or space.  There is adjustment required for weather and people and tools and the mood of the day.  But within that framework, or with - out that framework, there is the goal, the method, the ritual, of daily living.  Living as a Professor, as an expert in my way of life.

And boy, is that a lot of pressure.  Just the few items I have chosen to master take work.  Heck, just writing this post is taking much more time and thought and sweat than I expected.   And there's so many other things I want to get accomplished, just today!

And again, it's easy to lose myself in all the advice and teachers and good wishes and helpers.  Because the support of having my pack around me is so very comforting.

It is also limiting.  We each move as a different speed from each other.  Some may zoom forward.  Some may fall back.  Most will bob back and forth, coursing in different directions, following the flow and pull that is unique to them, to where they are in the space of the ocean and what tools they have available to them.  And these tools, these skills, these perceptions are going to be different from mine.  So what they do, how they do it, when they do it, is not your best guide.  Is not my best guide.  What works best for me, what feels right in the moment, what I can handle, what makes me happy.  That is my best guide.  My practice.  The way I do things.

And anyway, we all have different places we want to investigate.  We all have different opinions of  the best route and the best weather and the best tools.

And sometimes my splashing can be really annoying to others, and vice versa. 

So I must, for my happiness, keep my way.  Focus on my goal.  Practice different methods of navigating the waves of to-do lists and outside expectations.  Because if I let them guide me, if I continue to float, I will not get any further than I am right now.  And I want to be a lot further.  I choose to move forward.

Sometimes I will be swimming with others.  Sometimes I'll stop at a beach and party, gather my forces while they move on.  And sometimes I'll move on while others rest.  Because the only way to be that suave, confident graceful Master of my own skills is to practice my skills, all the time, every time, my way.

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Now, the corollary thought, to take us through the next two days, how do we maintain that connection with our pack, with our peeps, with our family and clan, while moving blithely through life in our own "My Way" bubble?